And then, the other night her boyfriend went to a bachelor party and had too much to drink and apparently let a girl sit on his lap and kissed her (or "she kissed him") not once, not twice, but three times. When he came home that night, she naturally asked him how the evening was. He said it was a blast, describing where they had gone but not really what they had done. He awkwardly mentioned some girls and some flirting. Minutes went by and then she asked him, on a gut instinct, if he kissed any of these girls. He said yes.
That night while still drunk, her boyfriend said the girls were kissing "all the guys" and it "wasn't a big deal" ... but it was a very big deal for her. She felt betrayed by her boyfriend, who she had never imagined was even capable of such transgressions. (I have even heard her say, many times, "He would never cheat on me" and she believed it wholeheartedly.)
And to make matters worse she also felt horribly embarassed, because "all the guys" at this bachelor party were her friends too, and they had witnessed her boyfriend drunk and kissing on/being kissed by some girl that wasn't her.
And then it came out that it wasn't really "all the guys"... it was pretty much just him, and maybe one or two other (single) guys.
When morning came, her boyfriend felt absolutely awful and apologized profusely for his horrible lapse in judgement. He said he was a "real dick" and felt terrible for hurting her. He realized being drunk was no excuse, and couldn't really say why he had let that happen, but only that he wished it hadn't. He promised it would never happen again and was willing to do "whatever it takes" to make it right.
But now, the girlfriend doesn't know if it ever can be right.
One the one hand, she has made similar mistakes in the past - maybe not quite so egregious, but mistakes nevertheless that her boyfriend forgave. He has never done anything like this before... and it was just a kiss. Or three.
On the other hand, she feels hurt, devastated, betrayed, and sick to her stomach every time she thinks about it. How will she ever be able to trust him again?
If you were this girl, what would you do? (If you need any more details to render an opinion, I'm sure I can ask her...)
Posts
If it was me I would be completely hurt, totally grossed out and it would be hard for me to get out of my head.
ReplyDeleteBut from the outside looking in, I would try to forgive him. He was in a sucky environment that promoted that sort of thing and it sounds like he was super drunk. If she loves him and him her, than I would try to forgive him...
Either way, that is a hard situation. :(
How awful, I'm so sorry!
ReplyDeleteThis is hard. I read an article in Marie Claire about a year ago how women don't tell their friends what is necessary best for them because they don't want to hurt the friendship. (Think the "He's just not that into you" episode of Sex and the City.) It's very true and I've done it myself with my friends. Remember the wedding I went to in Hawaii that got cancelled? They're still together and while everyone has talked about how they're not right for each other behind their backs, no one says it to their faces because they don't want to offend the people and risk losing those friendships.
Sisters have a unique relationship because they can be more honest with each other and not have to worry as much about losing the relationship. If this happened to my sister, I would tell her to break up with her boyfriend. First of all there's the cheating, yes it was just kisses, but it was three kisses. It would be easier to forgive if there was one short kiss with him pulling away and saying, "What the hell am I doing?" "This is wrong I don't want to hurt my girlfriend." But he didn't do that, and he kissed again and again.
Secondly, and this is me being totally honest, if I was talking to my sister. This is what I believe is true, and it's not a nice thing to say. My heart is beating as I'm typing this, but I believe it to be true and the best advice. (Oprah has said it on her show and we all know Oprah is right about pretty much everything.) ;) - Joking aside, here it is - a man knows if he is going to marry you within one year. I believe if there isn't a proposal within two years and the woman wants one, there's an issue. If this couple has talked about the future together, spent 3 years together, and they live together, why aren't they engaged?
I know this is hard advice to hear, to do, and to say, but is what I think is right.
I can relate to this post so I'm talking from experience.
ReplyDeleteMove on.
I took my ex back after shenanigans like this only to waste another year until he did it again and then we broke up for good. I learned a lot from that relationship of four years but I also wasted a lot of good child bearing years on a bad man.
Sorry to be harsh but I'm with Carrie.. why in the world aren't they engaged yet? 3-years? I think he's not the one for her.
Again.. i'm talking from experience. xoxo, Dee
As much as I want to agree with all of the above, I can't.
ReplyDeleteI could practically be this girl. I lived with my man for two years before we became engaged. One year into it (after he had bought a ring) his ex , who is a psycho but that's a whole different story, decided she wanted him back. He went to visit her for a weekend (behind my back) and they kissed. Does it hurt? Yes. But can you move past it? It depends. I'm not going to say we didn't temporarily separate or everything was perfect, but eventually I decided that I still wanted to give this guy a chance. Now we are engaged and life is even better!
But it's a case by case thing. If your friend needs someone to talk to, give her my email.
Oh Jenny...I am so sorry that you friend has to go through this.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was like Dee...3 years and not a further commitment then living together. That could mean something right there.
As for the kiss, if there was a marriage/children involved I would say work it out. It could be ok. But dating, I don't know...it seems like there are a lot of other things going on that probably led to him kissing someone else. Not to say that he isn't sorry, BUT he knew better. However, we all do stupid things we when we are drunk. Tough. Can she live without him? Does he make her happy? Can she see marrying him? If not then time is wasting...
I respectfully disagree with the 1,2 and 3 year theory. My husband and I dated for 4.5 years and lived together for 3.5 of those years before we ever got engaged. We even bought a house together. We have now been married for almost 4 years. We talked about marriage and stuff before he proposed but he was just a little slow and I was not about to rush him. I knew it would happen but I wanted it to be his decision to propose and not mine. You can always tell when the girl pressures the guy to propose.
ReplyDeleteAs for you friend...I'd leave him. Trust is the number one thing I look for in a relationship. Once the trust is gone I would want out. But I know it is easier said than done. But in the end it would be worth it.
It was a bachelor party with beer and girls. Duh!!! What do you expect? It is what guys do. Why was he there in the first place? When you put yourself in a bad situation, bad things happen. Trust does not mean it is OK to throw temptation in your face. In such cases, trust often loses.
ReplyDeleteThe guy did not care enough to avoid temptation. Cut him loose, and next time lay down some ground rules. Trust is necessary, but care is needed also.
Also, the guy's not too bright. A bunch of her friends were there? What was he thinking? Dump him based on stupidity alone.
First, I have to kindly disagree with a few of the people that have commented on this. She should not be insecure in a relationship because they have been together for years and not engaged. I am in that situation and am happy enough, so that is NOT a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, and the important issue here, being drunk is not an excuse, it never has been and never will be. He made a mistake, and he was wrong. He had a lapse of judgement and he is not granted that. While you can get all the advice in the world from us...its your heart you have to listen to it girl... or hers. Is this something she can move on from? What does her gut say? 6 months from now when he has a boys night, will she be able to trust him? Will she hold this over his head in every argument for the next few years? She needs to ask herself these questions and find out if she can continue this relationship and salvage what it was.
You can say I have a little experience in this department. If you need to talk, please don't hesitate.
I dont like this at all!! NOt one bit. I have done what he did before- while drunk, but in the beginning of the relationship, never so far in...i was forgiven and I vowed never to eff up like that again, and I havent. Maybe your friend can forgive, but probably not forget...and it will always be there in the back of her head. Shit, hungry baby- I will email you later. xoxox big hugs.
ReplyDeleteTrust, love, forgiveness -- all are flexible, adaptable creations of modern society. While I am fortunate enough to have experienced all of them to varying degrees in my relatively short lifetime, I'm certainly no better equipped to give your friend advice than the rest of the yahoos who commented before me. None of them are even remotely close enough to her situation to be able to offer much more than a snap judgment at best. While I can appreciate your friend's need to seek guidance, she has to know that every facet of this decision is hers and hers alone. If nothing else, she needs to trust her instincts on this one. She better than anyone knows her own ability to love and forgive, and whether or not he deserves her trust ever again.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, do remind your friend that a man's capacity for faults is only rivaled by his capacity for change.
oh man. basically, that sucks. i thought i would have something better to say, but then i read all the comments and now i don't know. a few things.
ReplyDelete1. i kinda agree with Carrie. when you know, you know. do you know?
if not...?
2. does he need some new friends? or maybe does he need to be banned from bachelor parties? do NOT agree with the guys will be guys comment. they're people, not monkeys. he is perfectly able to be accountable for his actions and stand a bit of temptation.
3. i agree with you on this point too- is a kiss just a kiss? i know it sigifies much much more, but do you throw away a great relationship because of one (err. three) screw up kiss? i don't know.
anyway, i love you. you deserve the best and only the best. i guess it's time to figure out if your friends' boyfriend is really the best and WORTH going through the trust issues and rebuilding that is inevitably in the future.
Oh DB .... email me!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh No!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I also don't agree with all of the time constraint rules for dating. I believe that in certain situations they may be true, but there are ALWAYS exceptions. So, to go along with a previous commenter... do you KNOW!? Or are you... wavering? Any sort of doubt is just that... and you don't want that as a basis for any long term relationship.
I cannot comment with any experience in this department but I can definitely say that if I were speaking to one of my best friends, it would be hard to say, but I would say to leave him. I just think these things tend to snowball and while maybe we all have done stupid things while we're drunk it isn't a good enough excuse and I would constantly have that thought in the back of my mind.
I always have been a person who seeks simple relationships. I suppose maybe I've just been lucky... But I don't like drama and I think that things like this ooze drama. It may be one of the hardest things you'll ever do... but first decide if you KNOW you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, undoubtedly. Then, you need to decide whether you can forgive him.
Hope that wasn't too back and forth... Good luck, and I'm so sorry.
There's no right answer. What's right for one person won't be right for you. If you will be happier with him, figure out a way to forgive. If you will be happier apart from him, figure out a way to move on. Only you know what's right for the two of you. I'd venture to say he feels like a horrible person and he'll never do it again, but like I said - only you know what will make you happy.
ReplyDeleteOh this makes me so sad to read :(
ReplyDeleteI don't really know if I can say what to do as far as staying together or breaking up. But I for SURE think that a big serious talk is in need. And asking things like will this happen again, how can I trust you this wont happen again, where do we go from here, etc...
This is just a crappy situation. However, I don't think it necessarily means they have to break up. K and I had a very tumultuous relationship when we first got together and many of my friends wanted me to break up with him, but we stuck it out and things got better. It took a long time for me to trust him but eventually I did. It sounds like your friend needs to have a long talk with her bf (or many long talks) and make sure they are both on the same page moving forward, if they are I think the relationship could be saved and might even be better.
ReplyDeleteBut, it could be sign of a bigger problem...so that is why they need to talk about it and really think about what they both want!
Oh hun, I know just what you mean. I experienced something really similar with the guy I dated before my husband. Though he was a douche, in the end.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing, if you're not willing to give up on the relationship, then you need to openly talk about it and lay some new ground rules around his partying, drinking, etc., when you're not there.
Because the thing is, you're going to get tense the next time he's off in a similar situation without you. So set up some ground rules now so that you can both work on rebuilding trust.
And if it happens again, well, then say Good bye. He'll mend his ways and be more than amenable if he's truly sorry and never intends to do it again.
Hmm..I think that if she thinks there is a chance that she can trust him again someday, to work it out. People screw up. People deserve second chances. However, if she doesn't think she could ever trust him again, then maybe it is over. Being in a relationship with someone you don't trust is a lose-lose situation.
ReplyDelete