Well, I really almost did. But I'll save that for my next blog post.
Just popping in to remind everyone at this special time of year that if your relatives are bat-shit crazy, you're not alone.
Background: Last year my immediate family all pitched in to give my wonderful Grandma an i-Pad! We set her up with a Gmail account, and even her own Facebook page!
Rewind to Thanksgiving... my sister and I decide to show grandma Margie YouTube. You can imagine our surprise when YouTube greeted us with a recent browsing history filled with tits, vajayjays, big weeners and the like. Evidently, someone had been using Margie's iPad to Choke the Chicken.
There's no shortage of suspected [monkey] spankers in the family, as the men in the family take turns staying at the house once a week to give the in-home nurse a day off. But, thanks to a couple of surgical procedures viewed within a few minutes of some rendition of Debbie Does Dallas, we're pretty sure the culprit is our cousin, soon-to-be medical doctor, who was unable to make it...
Honestly, I think porn is kindove gross, but I realize a lot of men are into it. Whatever. But using your grandmother's iPad in your grandparents' house to do your business is just fucking wrong.
So I sent my cousin a message that said:
Someone has been looking at a lot of youtube porn on marge's ipad. Quite the shocker when we went in for the Thanksgiving youtube demo. Anyway, whatever.. but AT LEAST have the decency to clear your browsing history! Happy thanksgiving.His response:
Hey Cuz. LOL that you thought it was me. Probably one of your uncles.Unconvinced, I responded:
I really don't care who it was... Just super awkward for us. Marge basically thinks that's what the internets for now.And then I get back:
Lol. That IS what the internet is for cuz!BLEH!!!!
Please stop calling me "cuz" ...
Can we just pretend we're not related? LOL.
[who says that?]
Gee, I can't wait for Christmas!
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Maybe is was Marge. She is fooling all of you.
ReplyDeleteNice to hear from you again. I hope all is well...if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteOMG...I LOVE YOUR FAMILY. Crazy stuff like that never happens in my boring family. Clearly your "cuz" is icky, but love that you called him out. Poor Grandma Marge....
ReplyDeleteOMG this posting was too too funny. It reminds me of that song from the show Avenue Q, "The Internet is for Porn"
ReplyDeleteYOUR next post about how you almost died better be sooner rather than later.
ReplyDeleteAND, My brother calls our cousins cuz and other people bro and it drives me CRAZY. AND, I do pretend I am not related :)
AND, THAT is also the reason Andrew and I have seperate computers :)
Oh my god - that would be super awkward! I would have been too embarrassed to call my cousin out, that's good you did though - he should not be doing that on your grandma's ipad!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're back!
COME back to blogging!!!
ReplyDelete